Rise of the Feelings Guardians
One of my all-time favorite animated movies is “Rise of the Guardians.” A talented and diverse crew of immortal guardians come together to help protect earth’s children from darkness. A jolly, pie-faced, wide-eyed guardian named North (aka Santa Claus) carries the important task of making sure that children everywhere find wonder. And even more important, that these children find their center. I remember watching it for the first time with my kids and asking them if they knew what that meant...what does it mean to find your center?
There may be no greater moment in our history than during a pandemic to find our center. What do you feel? What is important? What needs to move alongside you and what can you discard? What soothes the moments of fear and anxiety that greet you some mornings and what makes that fear speak louder? And do you listen? To the quiet voice inside you that is gently nudging you toward the soothing path or do you wait for it to scream so loud that you can no longer avoid it? Some of us have more time and space than we have in years. Feelings are coming up; some good ones and some that are not so pleasant. I believe this is a moment in time where our feelings can, and should, be felt. Unfortunately I think we live in a world that moves so fast and where upward mobility and success is what drives so many. And we have leaders who cast aside kindness and celebration of diversity like a piece of rotten fruit. Don’t get me wrong - I’m all for working hard and accomplishing goals - but not if it comes at the expense of feeling your feelings or discarding those of others. A large part of success for me is defined by how you feel, how you feel about your emotions, and how you relate to other people and their feelings.
When we ask someone how they are, we are asking about their feelings. But do we really want the answer? Do we really have time for it? Do they really want to answer it honestly or is “I’m good!” the expected response we’ve become so accustomed to receiving? I have no doubt that each and every one of us knows our true center; but when we live in a society that doesn’t really allow us to answer how we feel, finding our center is harder.
I’ve been listening to Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast and she recently hosted Dr Marc Brackett, a professor at Yale and founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. He is interesting to listen to and intelligent, in all ways. He speaks of the importance of emotion education. And while emotional intelligence may not be required to get into Ivy League schools, he says, it will be required once you are out in order to live a truly fulfilling life. He also talks about being a preventionist vs. interventionist when it comes to feelings. I absolutely love this. Much like practicing healthcare; I strongly believe there is no better route to overall health and wellbeing than that of prevention. If we can allow our feelings to be recognized, felt, named, and seen, we can prevent the inevitable distress and shame that comes from hiding feelings away.
I personally have a difficult time not sharing my feelings, especially when I’m with a trusted companion. I wear it all on my sleeve, unless I can’t. And by that I mean that there are certain times and situations where I either can’t or don’t feel fully comfortable sharing and then knowingly tuck the feelings away until I can unload them at a later time (usually doesn’t take long for a journal entry or a call to a dear friend for that release) because I feel like I might burst if I don’t get the words around my feelings out. However, I also have judgment around some of my feelings. I question them. ‘Why do I feel this way? It doesn’t make sense for me to feel like this. Where is this coming from?’ And my favorite....’What’s wrong with me?’ My yoga teacher will often remind us in class that we are not our feelings or our thoughts; and she will almost always add a “Thank God” after she says this. Which in turn puts a little smile on my face because I am reminded that others question their feelings from time to time also. I’m not alone in that one. I’m also reminded of this when I ask a patient about her emotional status; sitting half-naked in a clinical gown and being asked about your feelings might be one of the most vulnerable places a woman can be. And one by one, brave women sit and share their feelings - with me, and with all the other providers I get to work with - reminding us that being present for one another is what we are here to do. I am working on the judgment piece where my own feelings are concerned. I want to continue to think about my feelings; I want to understand where they are coming from and what they are telling me. But being more gentle with myself in this process is part of a long journey.
Dr Brackett has an approach that he uses to address our feelings; it is the RULER method. Recognizing emotions in oneself and in others; Understanding the emotions; Labeling the emotion; Expressing feelings; Regulating emotions. This last one is key for me and my family. Know that your feelings are just that. They are feelings. You aren’t your feelings. They will come and go. But they can teach you and inform you. So listen to them, honor them, and don’t be afraid of them. This has taken me years to understand; and I’m still working on it. As Pema Chodron says…”feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
So here we are. In the middle of a pandemic. If you are lucky, you’re surrounded by those you love most. Feelings are closer to the surface for many right now. Some recognizable feelings you’ve had before may be front and center; grief, fear, anxiety. And there may also be gratitude, calm, and joy. Wherever you are, take the time to pause, think about what you are feeling. Ask those you love how and what they are feeling. And lean in to hear their response. Be your own guardian. Be a guardian for your children, your family, your friends, your patients, your colleagues, your community. Be a guardian of feelings and make it the norm for our society to feel, to honor emotional intelligence, and to wholeheartedly live according to your true center.
